Taking My Breath on the Road
It’s here. That H word time of year. For some, it really is the most wonderful time of year. The get togethers, the decorations, the shopping, the lights, cooking, baking… all the things. For others, this certain time of year is filled with dread, foreboding, negative expectations and a heaping helping of stress. Whatever ones experience of the season is, it is all layered on top of the things we need to take care of in our day to day lives. That means there is a lot of energy required of us, whether we love it all, are ambivalent or are freaking out.
If you are picking up a sense of my relationship to the H season as the later, it would not be completely wrong. I have long told myself, and others, that I hate the holidays. Truth be told, I have been saying that for so long, I really can’t even remember when I adopted that mindset. I am not sure I could really even articulate why I feel that way. I am aware that I have told myself that “I hate holidays” enough times that it is now an underlying belief. So H-days can send my anxiety through the roof. As a result, I attempt to treat all H days as just any other day. I feel the pull of energy this takes from me.
This year, for a certain Thursday in late November, I am travelling to gather with approximately 30 of my relatives. I’m finding it difficult to convince my mind that this is just another ordinary day. So, I have begun preparing myself to stay grounded, centered and congenial to all for the get together. My personal mantra is “Can I see myself as I am, not as I think I should be. Can I see others as they are, not as they should be. Can I experience the moments of life as they are, not as I think they should be”. My goal for the gathering is to embody that mantra and exude calm, kind loving energy, regardless of anything going on around me. That means that I cannot afford to let my mind entertain the old narratives that created the deeply rooted belief that "I hate holidays”.
As the weeks, then days, leading up to the gathering pass, my mind has offered me thoughts related to the old narrative of “I hate holidays”. My mind wants to recount past holiday experience or difficulties with family members. These thoughts can rapidly lead to heightened emotions and anxiety. I practice interrupting my thinking by reciting what I can see, hear, smell, taste and touch. Then I focus on slow breathing or another form of breath work. This brings me back to the present moment, reducing my (negative) expectations and anxiety. The focus on my breathing ensures I maintain my nervous system in a state of calm.
I have come to understand that a key to my well being is my breath. By maintaining awareness of my breath, I am actually monitoring my nervous system. By relying on nasal breathing, I am keeping my parasympathetic nervous system activated as opposed to activating my sympathetic nervous system. When my sympathetic nervous system is activated my cognitive skills decline. When my cognitive skills decline, my rational thinking skills go off line, and I default to old, distorted, dysfunctional narratives that lead me to act without thinking. I have sometimes referred to myself in this state as “losing my shit”. It is destructive to me, puts me in a reactive state where I am exuding negative energy into the world and harming others. It is not a way of being I wish to embody.
Being around family, travelling, the H-days, all these variables increase the stressors which make me more susceptible to old patterns of thought, emotion and behavior. My breath is a first line of defense to understand what changes are occurning in my nervous system. Shallow breathing or holding my breath are clear indicators I am operating from my sympathetic nervous system, so, I practice bringing awarenes to my breath each hour. I practice different types of breath work. I practice interrupting my thoughts and focusing on my breath. I do all of these things consistently, daily, in service to keeping my cool and not losing my shit on people. I have lost my shit on people before and I don’t like how it makes me feel. I like to put positive energy into the world regardless of what else is going on around me.
I am taking my breath on the road as a tool, as a coping mechanism so that I am able to be comfortable in my being, calm in the face of many known and unknown stressors. I am taking my breath on the road because it is a superpower that will allow me to embrace the holidays and rewrite my underlying belief that “I hate holidays”. I am taking my breath on the road and am embracing the holidays. I will experience the moments of life as they unfold knowing I can breathe through anything.
That is my Breath. That is my Power.
May you find the power of your breath.
